I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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