the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
