Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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