May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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