guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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