new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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