i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
