Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
