I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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