Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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