I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
