he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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