I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
