You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
