Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
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