I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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