I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
