Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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