the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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