Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
