You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
