if i can run in heels then i can drive
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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