Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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