bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
