I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
