this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
