areolas are like halos for boobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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