this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
