Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
