just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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