as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
