Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize