you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
