We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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