i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize