I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
