News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
