FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize