Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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