So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
