if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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