i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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