Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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