pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
