this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
