Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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