remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We need a shit load of segways right now
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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