I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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