it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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