I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
