Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
