my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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