Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
