im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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