One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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