Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
