I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
