if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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