Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
