The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
