I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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