According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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