need another drink. this is the easiest way
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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