I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I deserve this hangover.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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